Redtree Times

In the High Country– At the Principle Gallery Exhibit

I don’t believe anyone ever suspects how completely unsure I am of my work and myself and what tortures of self-doubting the doubt of others has always given me.

-Tennessee Williams

My yearly solo show at the Principle Gallery has ended and I am in the final weeks of painting and prepping for my annual show at the West End Gallery that opens July 22.

This quick turnaround between these two shows is a routine that I have lived with for over twenty years. I know the routine and, for the most part, how to deal with the ins and outs and the ups and downs in what I guess you could call phases in the process.

These phases in this timeline for these two shows are pretty much the same for every other show. I think I can say that with some authority as I’ve done my share of solo exhibits. Probably more than 60 solo shows by now but I’ve lost count.

Right now, as I near the end of prep for the upcoming show, I am in my least favorite phase, one of extreme self-doubt. I’ve detailed it here many times in the past, probably because it hits me the hardest and is therefore closest to the surface when I sit down to write this blog.

Every show has had this period that finds me calling into question every piece I’ve done, every creative decision I’ve made, every strand of my ability and my overall judgement. Maybe I am delusional about how I see my work?

The funny thing is that the depth of the crater created when this doubt hits is usually directly and inversely related to how satisfied and confident I have felt about the work in the prior phases of this timeline.

The better I feel about the work, the deeper the crater of doubt.

I am in a pretty deep crater at the moment. Maybe I should feel okay about that since it means the work has already sparked great satisfaction in me.

And it has. I feel strongly about the work in this show, much as I did about the earlier Principle Gallery show.

But I don’t feel okay at the moment. The doubt is like a banshee with a hammer that comes to beat on the back of my brain. I know that it will pass soon, maybe as early as today when I am at work on the current piece on my easel, and I will return to my normal, more manageable, levels of doubt and uncertainty.

But at 5 AM I find myself with a miserable knot of doubt in my gut.

I don’t know why I am sharing this aspect of what I do with you. It doesn’t necessarily have a lot to do with what you might see in the work, so I wouldn’t be surprised if most folks don’t give a hoot about this. I guess I just want to give a little glimpse inside this job, this life as an artist.

Like most jobs in which you express or give of yourself, it has its highs and lows. The lows of this moment are simply the price to be paid.

At least, in my version of this life.

Okay, got to go climb out of this crater and the only way to do that, for me, is to get to work.

Here’s a song that kind of works for me this morning. It’s All That You Dream from Little Feat and their classic live album Waiting For Columbus.