Redtree Times

Merit Badge — At Principle Gallery

The writer who loses his self-doubt, who gives way as he grows old to a sudden euphoria, to prolixity, should stop writing immediately: the time has come for him to lay aside his pen.

–Colette, Speech on being elected to the Belgian Academy

If the words above from Colette, the French writer who lived from 1873 until 1954, apply to painters as well as writers then I am in no danger of laying down my brush anytime soon. At 3:30 this morning I was wide awake, my mind racing, thoughts bouncing around like crazy.

Most of these thoughts concerned my work. Or rather, worries about my work. Or should I say, worries about my possible delusions about that work? Is it any good? Or am I just punch drunk from staring at it from inches away every day?

I don’t know. It felt like my brain turned suddenly into mashed potatoes. Not a great feeling at 3:30 AM.

I am working towards my two annual solo shows, as I have done at this time for many years now. I know from experience that there are going to be peaks and valleys of elation and utter dismay during this time. Even knowing that by this afternoon the panic may have transformed into satisfaction of some sort doesn’t help much in the moment. It feels crushing and the self-doubt grows into the larger fear of being exposed as a phony, an impostor who has finally reached the end of their ruse.

I know, again from experience, that the remedy comes in getting to work, so I am getting to it. I feel somewhat peeved that I spent any time at all this morning writing this. the panic of self-doubt, though sometimes paralyzing, can also be a tremendous motivator.

That being said, I am feeling pretty damned motivated at the moment…