Redtree Times

The Durable Will (2020)- Coming to the Gmeiner Art & Cultural Center

Yes! to this thought I hold with firm persistence;
The last result of wisdom stamps it true;
He only earns his freedom and existence
Who daily conquers them anew.

–Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust, Part 2

Man, I did not want to write anything this morning. I have been dealing with a sinus infection that makes it feel like Keith Moon is pounding out the drum rhythm for Baba O’Riley on my skull. But I am determined to stomp out something on my laptop this morning.

You see, I set a goal back in December that I would write something on this blog every day for at least a year. I don’t know exactly why I chose to set such a goal. It probably had to do with my cancer diagnosis and the heightened sense of mortality that came with it. I felt that if I was going to say anything with my life and work, time was a-wasting. Every day became a bit more precious.

I also wanted to see if there were noticeable changes in my perceptions, my writing, and my work. I don’t know if there is any evidence of any change. That is something that sometimes requires an outside observer. But I thought it might serve me in this way. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Who knows?

Another reason in setting such a goal was just to have a carrot in front of me, something that lured me forward every morning. A task that had to be accomplished no matter how poorly I felt. To be honest, that carrot was already in place. I’ve written this blog for going on 18 years now– which seem absolutely ridiculous– and I have tried to maintain a regular schedule over all that time. A lot of words have shown up here. Some have been meaningful, even heartfelt with a bit of wisdom, if you want to call it that. Some have been ridiculous and downright stupid.  I also hope that it has been always honest.

After 18 years of chronicling my work and, to a lesser extent, my life, I have pretty much exposed the entire spectrum of my being. I think there a quite a few of you out there who know me better than you might believe. But then again, maybe not. We always hold something back, don’t we? We always wear some sort of mask, one that keeps prying eyes from seeing that last bit of who we are.

I have written something every day for about 233 straight days now. There have been some days, like today, when I did not want to put down a word. On some of those days I reran earlier posts but found that I was rewriting and adding so much that they were almost new posts.  It took as long putting them together as it did to write a totally new post. It didn’t feel like I was taking a day off in any way.

Ah, the persistence of habit.

I depend on habit in my work and life. I avoid anything that disturbs my habit and routine. I get a little uptight when it does happen. I don’t know if it’s a mental tic. At this point, what does it matter?

As they– whoever they are– say, it is what it is.

Hey, I might have actually got through this today. That’s a pleasant surprise. My streak continues. Of course, it probably doesn’t say anything worth noting.

Hey, you can’t hit a home run every at bat.

Let’s have a song. No, not Baba O’Riley.  As much as I love that song, I think it might blow my head off my shoulders this morning. This song just popped into my head. It is Johnny Cash performing the Loudon Wainwright song The Man Who Couldn’t Cry. When this was recorded, his career was considered to be over at that point. He was seen as being irrelevant by the country music establishment. This performance was one of the first times that Cash had performed before a live audience without a band in decades. It is reported that he was terrified. But he persisted. This marked the beginning of the last phase of his career and life. I think the work he produced in his last years was as important and vital as anything he made in his heyday.

This performance always gets me. And no drums….

Something Beyond— At West End Gallery

The two ways of contemplation are not unlike the two ways of action commonly spoken of by the ancients: the one plain and smooth in the beginning, and in the end impassable; the other rough and troublesome in the entrance, but after a while fair and even. So it is in contemplation: If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.

–Francis Bacon, The Advancement of Learning (1605)

I often write here about my uncertainty in so many things, how that in many ways it is, with its many questions and few answers, the basis for my work, which seems to live and function in a world of absolute uncertainty.

But is that so? Surely, there must be a counterweight to some sort to my uncertainty.

A Yin to my Yang. The flipside of my coin. A right to my left. An up to my down. The day to my night.

There has to be something that I believe is a certainty in my life, right? Don’t we all possess such things, those unshakable beliefs that we know, from experience and observation, to be demonstrably true?

While it may seem to be the case on some days, I can say without equivocation that I do indeed possess certainties in my little world, things I know are so true that no amount of debate or persuasion could sway me from my belief in them.

For one, I am certain that the sun will rise tomorrow and the day after that.

Okay, cosmological certainties are not what I am really talking about. I do have other certainties that pertain to humans. Well, certainties other than death.

Take for example, kindness. I believe with absolute certainty in my heart of hearts in kindness. Nothing you could ever say will sway me from believing that kindness is not the best way to deal with others, that kindness is the special seasoning for all things. In love, in friendship, in helping others– all these things are enhanced by the presence of kindness.

I also believe with total certainty that love is the most powerful force we possess as humans. Love nourishes, love encourages, love heals, love protects, and so much more. Much like kindness, love is one of the ultimate enhancers of this world. A spice of life.

I also am certain about the goodness of generosity. I am talking more about a generosity of spirit rather than financial generosity, though it also has its place in my little belief system. Generosity of spirit embraces humanity in all its forms. It is inclusive, not dismissive. It elevates others, doesn’t push them down. It looks and listens and tries to find understanding.

I probably shouldn’t add a negative trait to this list, but I believe, again with absolute certainty, that greed is a cancer on humanity, one that metastasizes into every aspect of our lives. You could gather all the Gordon Gecko-types in the world in a chorus singing “Greed is good” until the cows come home and I will not be swayed. Greed is not about self-preservation or providing for one’s family. No one, me included, would deny anyone those things. No, greed shows itself in lusts of all types. Lust for money. Lust for power. Lust for status and ego glorification and gratification.

I could go on and on about the certainty of my disdain for other negatives– hatred, racism, misogyny, etc. I am fairly sure I could come up with a few more certainties. But I am going to end it here with my little list. If that is all I can think of right now, that’s enough for me. I can live with those certainties.

Not sure why I put this out there this morning. I guess I needed to know that there are some things that I truly do believe in. Sometimes those things seem to be eclipsed by the craziness and din of this world and we need a reminder of what remains in our core.

Here’s a longtime favorite tune from The Young Rascals. This is How Can I Be Sure from 1967.

Wherever the Wind Takes Me – At West End Gallery

“The object of art is not to make salable pictures. It is to save yourself.

The fools who write articles about me think that one morning I suddenly decided to write and began to produce masterpieces.

There is no special trick about writing or painting either. I wrote constantly for 15 years before I produced anything with any solidity to it….

The thing of course, is to make yourself alive. Most people remain all of their lives in a stupor.

The point of being an artist is that you may live….

You won’t arrive. It is an endless search.”

–Sherwood Anderson, April 1927 letter to his son 

These fragments from a 1927 letter that Sherwood Anderson wrote to his son who was studying painting in Paris, really struck chords with me. Forst and foremost is that first line:

“The object of art is not to make salable pictures. It is to save yourself.”

My own experience has taught me that lesson. I don’t know that I would be alive if not for painting. And If I were, I can’t imagine any scenario where I would have found the same level of satisfaction with my life.

Followed by the next two lines:

“The fools who write articles about me think that one morning I suddenly decided to write and began to produce masterpieces.

There is no special trick about writing or painting either. I wrote constantly for 15 years before I produced anything with any solidity to it….”

This makes me think about when I first began painting after my fall. I had been in the midst of an energetic burst of activity when the fall took place and was restlessly anxious from the limitations set on me by my shattered wrist. I had to do something to burn off the mental fire and, as fortune would have it, picked up some old airbrush paints and began to mess around. No expectations, no idea that it would be anything more than a way to occupy my racing mind. Being as impatient and restless as I was, I think now about how improbable it was that I stayed with at the time. As with everything I did, I wanted immediate results. Instant gratification– the curse of our time. Maybe all time.

This brings back the memory of doing a painting in a junior high art class. I knew what I wanted from the paint but didn’t have the knowledge or ability to make it appear on the paper. I was like the fools that Anderson mention who thought that once the decision was made, masterpieces instantly appeared. I gave up trying to paint after that. Well, for a couple of decades. I thought that if it didn’t happen instantly it wasn’t going to happen at all.

But there was something in those early attempts after my fall that kept me engaged, enough of a glimpse of some reachable potential that prodded me to continue. Looking at some of those earliest attempts, I am amazed that I am writing this as an artist. I am grateful for whatever it was that urged me to continue to put in the work.

Then there is this section:

“The thing of course, is to make yourself alive. Most people remain all of their lives in a stupor.

The point of being an artist is that you may live….”

I realized early in my painting life that art indeed elevated a feeling of being alive within me. Dealing with people in the years before, I had seen so many people who lived without art or literature and without much music. It often did seem that they lived their lives in a stupor, as Anderson observed. Art gave me a sense of possibility, acting as an indicator that there was something beyond simply existing. It made me recognize the gift of this life we are given and that I had not yet began to unwrap it.

It made me want to be alive.

And, of course, it ends with:

“You won’t arrive. It is an endless search.”

I know now that there is no end once you have began such a journey. You realize that you are never as good as you could be or even as good as others say you are. There is always more to discover and reveal. It is an endless seeking of a horizon that is always in the far distance. Knowing that it is unreachable makes you appreciate the journey itself.

Each moment’s recognition becomes a destination. That is the reward of art.

Sherwood Anderson’s son was very fortunate to have such wisdom passed on to him. I am not sure I would have understood it fully when I was his age.

But I did come to understand it later, thankfully. And I sure as hell get it now.

Shall we have a little Sunday Morning Music? The first thing that came to mind for me was the first verse of the Neil Young classic, Heart of Gold:

I want to live
I want to give
I’ve been a miner
For a heart of gold
It’s these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
For a heart of gold
And I’m getting old
Keep me searching
For a heart of gold
And I’m getting old

To my ear and eye, it fits today’s post perfectly. This performance is from a BBC broadcast in February of 1971.

I am heading out for that horizon soon so have to get off my boat now. You heard me– git.

American Music– Jan 1995

No matter how corrupt, greedy, and heartless our government, our corporations, our media, and our religious & charitable institutions may become, the music will still be wonderful.

― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country (2005)

This passage from Vonnegut sticks in my mind in recent times, especially as the World Cup moves into its final rounds. There are things that seem to be beyond the reach of greedy, corrupt, grubby fingers of politicians and others who seek to manipulate everything for their own benefit.

Some of you might say that the World Cup is not a good example since FIFA, the governing body of soccer, has a hoard of greedy, corrupt, and greedy fingers in its pie. That is indisputable. But I think it is a good example in that the games themself and the joy and excitement of the fans transcend the taint of its corporate bosses and that of our grubby fingered president’s intrusive efforts.

That joy and excitement is not for them to control.

And that has always been the case with cultural forces. The greedy, grubby-fingered ones never seem to quite get that though they might control everything, they can never fully rule over the power and influence of music, art, and literature. It is beyond nationalism and political ideologies.

It is the voice and language of our collective humanity.

Take for example the reach and influence of American music and cinema over the last 125 years.  The grubby-fingered ones are convinced that our military and corporate power were responsible for our extended reach and influence around the world. But I contend that without the influence of our music and films, that power would not been able to take hold abroad in the same way. Our Big Band, jazz, blues, pop, and rock and roll music became the soundtrack for people around the world not because it represented a cold and corrupt corporate-driven government.

No, it was because our music spoke to everyone as an equal. Nobody was excluded in the rhythms and tempos of our music. That became the symbol and lure of America.

That’s all I have the time or willpower to say this morning on that subject. We are in an ugly time and place right now but, as Vonnegut stated, the music will still be wonderful.

That is, so long as it continues to embrace all people everywhere. So far, so good.

When I think of this subject, my mind always goes back to this early 1995 painting that was a bit of an anomaly. It was an experimental piece at a time when I was still firing in many directions, trying to find whatever path might lead me forward in my journey as an artist. And a human.

I don’t think the path forward would have taken me where I needed to go, but then again, how would I know that? Just intuition, I guess, and the satisfaction I feel in where I am right now. But I like this painting very much. Maybe not completely for its qualities as a painting, though I think there are some interesting aspects in it.

It is more the way it speaks to me immediately about how music and art reach out in all directions without qualifiers as to who can understand or appreciate it.

That is real power.

I’ve shared this painting here a couple of times over the years and I always include a song from 1981, American Music, from The Blasters, fronted by Phil Alvin. The song reiterates the message that it is our music and art that represent us. I am pretty sure I had this song and message in mind back in January of 1995.

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human mind.

–Cleveland Amory, The Cat Who Came for Christmas (1987)

I posted this photo of Momopotamus on Instagram on the Fourth of July.  I don’t normally post photos of our cats, I try to respect their privacy. But with her looking at me from her normal perch on the stone wall in my studio space, with her clipped left ear and with Yankee Doodle Dandy as a backdrop, it just felt right for that day.

That should be the end of the story. But my Instagram post are shared to Facebook and when her photo came up on FB, there were several AI generated questions underneath. Pretty innocuous stuff. What movie is she watching? What is the significance of the time and date on the clock?

But there was one that made me somewhat indignant: Why is the cat grumpy?

Actually, I laughed before I decided to take offense.

But after thinking about it for a moment, I chose indignation. I wanted to tell this make-believe being that that is not the face of a grumpy cat. Oh, her gaze tends towards the permanently severe. That’s a fact. But that face you are seeing is that of an extraordinarily happy and content cat, one who knows how fortunate she is to have hit the jackpot.

That is not her grumpy look, believe me. I know that look from when she turned up as a stray cat well over five years ago. She would plant herself on the small porch of our home and peer through windows of the door. When we would open the door to put down some food for her, she would scowl and hiss in a warning way. Once I reached out to gently stroke her back while she ate and received that same hiss along with a pretty good slash on the back of my hand.

Fortunately, I am not the kind of person who learns quickly, never having properly learned about touching a hot stove. I slowly kept trying over the months and after continuing to receive hard bats and scratches on my hand, I was able to run a single finger down her back. It her fur was and is extremely soft and silky. I could feel her respond in positive way, her back arching up a bit against my finger. Then the recognition came to her that I was touching her and she swung around with a hiss.

But the Rubicon had been crossed. There was no turning back.

Don’t get me wrong, it still took well over a year, close to two actually, before I could approach and pet her. It was a process.

She had obviously had a very difficult life before this as a stray. With her somewhat misshapen belly that gave her the appearance of a hippo when she walked towards you, she was extremely defensive and suspicious of every move we made. At that point she was indeed a grumpy cat.

But you could also see she was an extremely loving cat in the way she treated her kittens, rubbing her head against them all the time. The kitten’s father was oddly enough still around much of the time when the kittens first showed up at our place. He later bugged out and wasn’t seen again until this past spring.She was obviously enamored of him and would rub all over him when he was present. It seemed unusual to me for stray or feral cats to behave in this way.

I am not going to go through the whole process today but eventually she, along with her two sons, became permanent residents in the studio.

I am her boyfriend now. She purrs in an extraordinarily loud manner when I come into the studio in the early morning, flopping down on the rug by the door demanding that I pet her. During the day she often follows me from room to room, purring all the time as she waits for the obligatory petting session. And when she plants herself on the stone wall next to where I am writing this now, she stares at me for the longest time in a way that is filled with both love and gratitude. It is a look that melts my heart. She is my well loved girlfriend now.

Grumpy cat? Screw you.

If this AI character can ever find form and make its way here, it better watch out or it will see what truly grumpy cat looks like.

Speaking of watching out, here’s a song from the Big Push, the band with Ren that made their name by busking on the streets and beaches of Brighton, that offers just that cautionary warning. This Watch Out. I am showing both their promo video for this original song, featuring the lovable, spunky determination of a little girl, as well as a live version from what is probably their most famous busking sessions. There are several videos from this session featuring Ren wearing red suspenders doing mashup covers that are big YouTube hits. The red suspender version of I Shot the Sheriff is a must see.

Now, either git or watch out.

Jubilee Waltz (2023)

Soon we shall die and all memory of those five will have left earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.

–Thornton Wilder, The Bridge of San Luis Rey (1927)

I’ve had this passage in my draft files for a long time. I pull it out every so often and read it several times. Did just that this morning.

It only has four sentences but those four say plenty.  It always sets my mind in motion, sparking thoughts and questions.

To begin with, Thornton Wilder‘s book, The Bridge of San Luis Rey, did just that around the world when it was published in 1927. It tells the story of the 1714 collapse of a rope bridge in Peru in which five people fell to their deaths and how they came to be on the bridge at that moment. The novel follows a friar who sees the bridge collapse then goes on a search into the lives of those five, seeking some sort of deeper, spiritual answer that would justify why this tragedy had to occur.

Is there ever a justification for any tragedy?

That is one of the questions that came to mind but not the overriding one this morning. Today, the last line in this short passage is the one that got me: There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.

It made me wonder that if there was indeed a bridge between the land of the living and the land of the dead that only existed for each of us based on how much we have loved, will that bridge be there for me when that time comes?

If not, do I tumble into the void, falling forever in darkness, taking with me all memory of my existence?

Each of those is difficult question. For myself, I would like to think the bridge will be there for me.

But then again, how can one ever be sure?

I don’t think you can ever know with any degree of certainty. Just saying that you have loved enough does not make it so. It is much like those who claim religious piety then live their lives in ways that are in complete opposition to the religious tenets they espouse, believing that they are absolutely assured of a place in whatever their idea of heaven might be. As though they have earned enough points and don’t have to do any more, like it was a shopping rewards program.

I can only shake my head at the certainty they display. I used to envy those with such certainty. I no longer do.

I guess the best one can do is to love more in the time they have left on the runup to that bridge. Put in the time and effort so that those who you love will have no doubt. Think of it as adding a brace to the bridge you believe you have built.

But keep that question of whether you have loved enough to build that bridge forever in mind.

If you are unsure, as you should be, let your certainty spur you to love more.

And if your answer is yes, that you have loved more than enough, I would advise you to be careful when you come to that bridge. It might be a little wobblier than you expected.

I am not sure if this is what I expected to write from this Wilder passage. It’s one of those that could send you in a number of different directions. But I did what I did and will have to live with that.

Here’s a song that that has a bridge in its title. I guess I could have used the obvious choices today, the old Judds‘ song Love Can Build a Bridge being the first that comes to mind. It’s a fine song but a little too on the nose for me this morning. I am feeling a little spicier, like Red Hot Chili Peppers spicy. This is an acoustic version of a favorite, Under the Bridge. I think it might actually have to do with trying to build that metaphorical bridge.

That’s good enough for me this morning.

Now, git.

Laughter has something in it in common with the ancient winds of faith and inspiration; it unfreezes pride and unwinds secrecy; it makes men forget themselves in the presence of something greater than themselves; something… that they cannot resist.

–G. K. Chesterton, The Common Man (1950)

In the wake of yesterday’s post about mental health issues and how coping with it often inspires our art, a reader reached out thanking me for sharing my experience. More importantly, he briefly mentioned his own issues and how they had provided material for his routine as a comic. I rolled his brief comments around in my head for a while yesterday, thinking how laughter has provided me so much relief in the past.

It reminded me of a question asked recently of me by a good friend. We were discussing those memories that are triggered by sensory sensations such as smell and sound. It is much like the madeleine cookie in Remembrance of Things Past from Marcel Proust. In it, the book’s narrator dips a madeleine cookie in is tea and the cookie’s texture and taste open up the floodgates of instant, involuntary memories, some buried under the weight of his history.

He asked what sensory things triggered memories and emotions for me. I thought about it for a while. The aroma of my mom’s roast beef immediately came to mind. I remember the comfort and joy I felt when I walked into the house after being dropped off by the school bus and that gorgeous aroma filled the air. A tiny whiff of that aroma now and I am once again walking through that kitchen door more than fifty years ago.

But the sensory trigger that I answered is one that I have mentioned here before. I said it was the sound of laughter. I explained how when I give a gallery talk and say something that makes the group laugh out loud, it is the most satisfying sensation in the world for me. It is a moment when everyone there is connected, all on the same wavelength, seeing something in the same way, seeing in it the same ironies and absurdities.

In that moment, I feel well embraced.

But it also sent me back through the years when I felt it was my job as the youngest child to say goofy stuff to break the tension in our often-tense household. Hearing laughter like that immediately floods me with numerous incidents when sudden laughter seemed to break the spell of tension, at least for a short time.

I have described laughter here before as a love language for me and causing a group to break into laughter reinforces that for me. It also makes me understand why someone would dare to go on a stage in front of people they do not know and attempt to make them laugh. I would imagine that laughter is the love language of those folks, as well.

They have my deepest respect, even more so on those nights when that connection with the audience is not made. I think the fact that they come back again after facing the silence to try once more is a testament to the power of laughter.

I think that is reflected in the words at the top from G.K. Chesterton. They really hit the mark for me when I came across them earlier, especially where he states that laughter unfreezes pride and unwinds secrecy, connecting them with something greater than themselves.

In my mind those are also vital attributes of good art, at least as I see it. Art is often created when the artist can set aside the pride that keeps their past sufferings hidden to all others and then puts them into a form that is familiar and resonates with experience and sensations of others. Some form that connects the artist and the audience to something greater. That form might be in paint or marble or song or dance– or laughter.

My hope is that my work– my painting, not the once-in-a-while laughter– can somehow serve in much the same way as Proust’s madeleine, connecting them in some way to a strong emotional response still hidden in their past.

I am not going to try to say something humorous here. Not going to tell you to git or get off my lawn. The moment is too ripe. So let me just share a song that was here on the blog seven or eight years back. It is The Laughing Song from Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks from back in 1972.

Do with it what you will.

Passages: Toward Order (2023)- Coming to the Gmeiner Arts & Cultural Center

It is the stretched soul that makes music, and souls are stretched by the pull of opposites-opposite bents, tastes, yearnings, loyalties. Where there is no polarity-where energies flow smoothly in one direction-there will be much doing but no music.

–Eric Hoffer, Between the Devil and the Dragon

This painting from a few years back, Passages: Toward Order, is included in my showcase at the Gmeiner Arts & Cultural Center as part of the upcoming Big Gems exhibit, in collaboration with the West End Gallery. This piece has always held a particular fascination for me so choosing it for this show was an easy decision. When I went back a few years and reread the original post about it, I was surprised what I had written. A subject I seldom speak on, though I often hint at, was broached. Here’s what that post said, with a few minor edits:

Seeing an assembled group of my paintings reminds me of how someone could use an artist’s work as a roadmap or schematic of their mind and thought process, even though the artist, being human, might want to disguise and mask it.

It can uncover things that the artist doesn’t even know they are revealing at first. A body of work can often show many, maybe eve all, of the facets contained in the artist’s personality prism. Flaws and strengths. Loves and desires, worries and fears. Highs and lows.

Art does that. And like the self-taught philosopher Eric Hoffer points out above, the music that makes up all art often comes when the artist is stretched and in tension between these polar oppositions.

That makes sense to me. The life of an artist is a very bipolar one, at least in my experience over the past quarter century. You’re always bouncing between polar opposites, all the time trying to find some sort of balance.

For instance, there is the desire to be isolated in privacy, yet one’s livelihood is dependent on sharing your work– and by extension, yourself– in a very public way.  And artists are often very sensitive to the criticism and judgement of others yet work in a field that is almost solely based on the judgement from others. This, of course, leads to cycles of acceptance and rejection. Overoptimism and excessive pessimism. Periods of highs where the artist overestimates their abilities and value followed by lows where they berate themselves, questioning why they even try. Periods when your work is in sync with the times and highly sought– the flavor of the month– followed by times when you are a bit overlooked and out of favor, seemingly irrelevant.  

Then there is the most obvious comparison to bipolarism, the exuberance of those highly productive, manic periods of creativity followed by the times when the artist experiences creative blocks, leaving them feeling uninspired and in despair.

For some, it’s too much of a burden. Too much of a stress being stretched between those polar opposites. I understand why someone would question whether to become an artist, thereby putting themselves through that kind of tension and perpetual imbalance. It is certainly not for everybody.

For me, it a way of living that makes sense since it mirrors what I would be going through in any other field in which I might be employed. In art, those tendencies that make life difficult when following a normal path have a place and even a purpose– if you can come to see and accept it in that way. 

And I guess it’s evident at this point that I have. Maybe you can see it in my work as whole. Maybe not. The control in creating the work versus the lack of control in how it is received is yet another part of the bipolarism of the artist.

I don’t think I had read this post since it was written. The fact that I shared so much surprised me even though I am probably exceedingly transparent here. But like many people, I was not eager to reveal my own struggles with mental illness. I hesitated a long time before I could write that last sentence. Mental illness carries so much baggage and remains a stigma. I wasn’t sure I wanted to openly enter the conversation.  Continuing to wear a mask is so much easier.

But over the years I have begun to feel that hiding my own problems behind a mask was a grave disservice to those who struggle with similar issues. Maybe sharing it should be part of my duty as both an artist and a human. I have learned how to cope with my own issues and perhaps seeing that will help someone in a dark place find some hope that they can find their way out.

Those dark places are lonely, after all.

The hard part in dealing with mental illness is that when you are in those dark places, you become very protective of that place. You feel that it is yours alone and because you have made it such, nobody can share or understand it. Well-meaning words and advice often push you even further into the darkness that is your place.

So, I have no words or advice that will lead anyone out of darkness. My path out was, like that dark place, mine alone. But I will say to those trapped in darkness now that though you might not yet see it, there is a way out. That path is there for many of you.

Really wasn’t planning on this for today’s post. I am almost regretting it already. Taking down one’s mask is sometimes a scary proposition. But something in this painting, the path to the Red Tree in the light after going the darker woods, speaks metaphorically to my time in the darkness and rereading that earlier post just triggered something.

I’m going to stop now. I’ve said enough and maybe too much. There’s a lot to say so I may revisit it again someday soon.

Or not. I don’t know.

I was pretty comfortable in that mask though I imagine many folks could see through it.

Here’s a wonderful instrumental cover of the R&B classic Dark End of the Street from Ry Cooder. His guitar speaks with real deep feeling here. Doesn’t need words.

Railroad Ave (1994)

The sky was dark and gloomy, the air was damp and raw, the streets were wet and sloppy. The smoke hung sluggishly above the chimney-tops as if it lacked the courage to rise, and the rain came slowly and doggedly down, as if it had not even the spirit to pour.

–Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers (1837)

It’s been really interesting, even enlightening, going through my earliest work. I can see points where the work turned and took the next step. Can see the development of my process and my use of color. Can see failed attempts at contrived ideas. Can see pieces that surprised me then a me then and now, some making me chuckle and some that simply make me nod in remembrance.

But the overriding thought I have lately when looking through them is how ridiculously prolific I was then. There are literally several hundred these small pieces dating from 1994 alone. When you consider that I was working a full-time job while also finishing up construction on our home — which is a misnomer since it is still a work-in-progress– it means that I was painting several pieces a day. I look at this production today and am amazed. I am actually tired just considering it now, let alone trying to repeat it. I must have had the energy of a desperate squirrel that had been fed a lot of amphetamines.

Of course, many of those pieces from that time were total crap and should have had a match set to them long ago. Why I hold on to them is a mystery. But they somehow linger.

Rail Station (1994)

This one that I like a lot from that era. It was from a short time when I attempted working from photo references, something I never do now. This is called Railroad Ave, depicting a short bit of a street that ran along the railroad tracks as they cut through downtown Elmira. It was once a rough and tumble, bustling area filled with bars when the railroads still ran and stopped at the station just up the street. Here’s an image, a sketch, of that building that I did around this an area around the same time. Though I explored what I could of the closed station many times, it never sparked my imagination, as least in a visual way.

The area of Railroad Ave depicted at the top were just south of the station. It was now in disrepair with boarded up windows and a grimy feel that echoed Dickens’ streets as described above. It felt dirty and a bit dangerous but held an air of stories waiting to be told from its past, which seemed to be caught in its current state of being like a bug in amber.

That the probably the attraction for me when I was in junior high school and haunted this area and the blocks around it. After school, I spent many hours walking the streets, playing pinball at the bus termina or at Newberry’s, a now defunct five-and-dime, where I also honed my shoplifting skills. I am not proud to admit that, but it was part of that time for me.

That area felt like human life to a thirteen-year-old kid who lived in the country. There was a hustle and bustle to it that sometimes bordered on danger, which made it irresistible. I moved through it surreptitiously like rat, seldom drawing attention though occasionally I would draw the attention of someone on the street. I remember vividly being approached by an older guy in front of the bus station.

“Hey, Slim! I only need fifteen cents to get a pint. Can you help me out?”

I did. It was worth it just for the memory of his words in that place in that time.

The thing that strikes me about Railroad Ave is how I was obviously seeking to capture the type of feeling evoked by an Edward Hopper painting, hoping it would have that same moody and somewhat alienated atmosphere so evident in his work. It has that mood, for me at least. I don’t know if it’s the painting or the memories. It doesn’t matter.

I also like the signature, done in pencil. I hadn’t yet adapted the GC in my name. That would come several months later when I discovered in an early internet search at the library, which was only a block or so from the site of this painting, that there were a couple of other artists already going by Gary Myers. Glad I found that info then.

Okay, I have to run. Spent far too much time on this already.

Here’s a song that is about the lure of the railroad for some desperate folks seeking to escape their situation and themselves. Probably many who found their way down Railroad Ave here and in streets just like it around the country. This is BW Railroad Blues from the late singer/songwriter Townes Van Zandt.

Light and Wisdom (2018)

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

A large portion of my painting year thus far has been devoted to looking back at earlier work, caused, as I have explained too many times before, by my recent health issues. Though it has been mentally difficult in not being able to create and release the new work I know is in there, it has been deeply satisfying to explore once more the paths I have trod before.

Much of the work remains somewhat fresh in my mind but the revisit seems to deepen my appreciation for it, as though I have gained added perspective with the time that has passed.

Some of this work has slipped from my mind and surprises me as though it were new to me. This fills me with gladness.

And there are a few pieces like the one shown above, Light and Wisdom, that never left my mind, always seem to be near the surface. Not sure why except that it checks so many boxes for me. Rich and dark colors. A rhythm in the landscape. Great depth into the picture plane. A unity of all its elements. And most especially, an underlying personal meaning that seems to whisper in my ear whenever I look at it.

It feels like the me I hope to be. It reminds me that I am on a path and there is still some distance to go before I reach that desired end. But it also reminds me that I have already come a long way and have been changed by that journey.

That the desired end is something accumulated along the way, not a pot of gold waiting for me at the path’s end. That’s something not recognized when you take your first steps on the path.

This painting and so many others that I have reexamined recently from past years bring that point home to me. They were hints that I was indeed on the right path and had already been somehow transformed.

Light and wisdom had been accumulated…

This painting, Light and Wisdom, oddly enough for all its personal meaning to me, had only a brief time out in the public before it came back to me. Maybe that was the way it was intended. I don’t know.

It is going out in the world once more as part of my showcase, A Seedling Returns, as part of the Big Gems exhibit at the Gmeiner Art & Cultural Center in Wellsboro, PA. This exhibit is first of its kind collaboration between the West End Gallery and the Gmeiner. The exhibit opens Saturday, July 18 with the official Opening Reception taking place on the following Saturday, July 25 from 2-4 PM.

Here’s this week’s Sunday Morning Music. It’s from one of my favorites, Rhiannon Giddens, and is fittingly titled I’m On My Way.