Redtree Times

---

---

---

---

If a man means to be hard, let him keep in his saddle and speak from that height, above the level of pleading eyes, and with the command of a distant horizon.

–George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss (1860)

---

---

---

---

There’s forever been a debate about the existence of God. I am not going to get into that. That’s can of worms I don’t want to put my hand in this morning.

But I did want to briefly look at the famous quote from Voltaire: “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.“

Whenever I think of this line, I am left wondering if it was our human need to have our voices heard that would have made the creation of God a necessity.

This need to be heard is something that I have talked about here many, many times. It’s the thing that has driven my every creative urge for all my life. I think most people, from the very young to the very old among us, feel that their voices often, if not always, go unheard.

You would think that with the rise of social media that everyone would feel there was an outlet for this voice to be heard. That might fill the void for many, but it often seems that it has resulted in a sort of Tower of Babel situation.

There is sound but no understanding in it.

I think we desire to be both heard and understood. We desire the interaction that rewards us with a question from someone other than ourselves, a question that shows they are interested and concerned in us.

A friend of mine has made the observation that people ask a lot less questions that they once did. Conversation and engagement with a back-and-forth discussion on subjects with any real depth have gone by the wayside. We make statements now that seem to take the form of social media comments.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no better than anyone else on this matter. While I want to have my voice heard, I often avoid true interaction. Instead, I make statements. Like this, I guess. Maybe my work does a better job of it than me. I often think that more interaction with others occurs within my work than with myself.

And I suppose that is one way to be heard. A way to send out my pleas into the universe. Little prayers in the event that God does not exist. Or does.

It’s not my place to say. I just stand here on my roof asking questions that I hope will be heard.

And somehow that is an answer in itself. But that’s something for another day.

Here’s a song that may have nothing to do with this post or whatever you want to call it. It’s a song from Avi Kaplan. Very strong and richly distinctive voice. If you don’t know who he is, Kaplan was the bass singer for the a capella group Pentatonix before going solo in 2017. This is his Change on the Rise. 

Maybe it does fit after all. Who knows?

Now get off my roof–I got some pleading to do this morning…

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

The more intensely we feel about an idea or a goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment.

—Earl Nightingale

---

---

---

---

Feeling a little under the weather. You might think it was from my treatment, but it actually has more to do with a visit to our vet yesterday with one of my three studio cats, Gary. Yes, I named him Gary– but that’s a story for some other time. Anyway, Gary has never been to the vet so we weren’t sure how he would react. He is very skittish and quick to react. I did mention we share a name?

Let’s just say it didn’t go well. Without going into all the details, Gary somehow received his needed shots and I ended up going to Urgent Care after he clamped his jaws pretty hard onto my thumb. I was given antibiotics. I am glad I went since my thumb last night was extremely sore, hot, and swollen with a nice purplish plum hue.

Still sore this morning though less so but I am left with a pretty good headache. As a result, I am replaying this post that has run several times over the years. I run this post about every five years so it’s about due. As I say below, there are lessons to be learned in every endeavor we undertake. For instance, I learned yesterday to not try to grab a mad cat.

Anyway, here’s that post from a number of years back.

---

---

---

---

---

It’s funny sometimes what you take from an experience in your life. At one point in my life I was in the retail car business, working at a Honda dealership in Ithaca both as a salesman and for a time as a finance manager. In order to keep their sales staff engaged and excited about pushing their product, the management there would periodically send us to seminars with industry-specific motivational speakers. They would also provide sets of motivational tapes from other speakers that they would encourage us to listen to in our free time.

One of the sets of tapes was from famed motivational speaker Earl Nightingale who had a deep and engaging voice that added a serious dimension to whatever he said. As I listened to his tapes, it was easy to feel my interest growing as he told his little tales, and his lessons began registering within me.

One of his stories was a short retelling of a classic lecture from the early 1900’s called Acres of Diamonds from Russell H. Conwell (1843-1925), an interesting fellow who was a Baptist minister, a lawyer, a philanthropist and the founder and first president of Temple University.

The lecture, one that Conwell delivered over 5000 times during his lifetime, made the point that the riches we seek are often right in our own backyards. His tale is of an African farmer who sells his farm in order to go in search of diamonds and finds nothing but failure. His search ends with his suicide. Meanwhile, the man who took over the farm soon found an abundance of diamonds on the property and established one of the largest diamond mines in Africa.

There were a lot of lessons to be learned from this tale. obviously. But the primary lesson for me was that I had to leave the car business– it was not my backyard. It was the place to which I had come in search of my own diamonds. I had not even, at that point, began to search my own backyard.

I am not sure if that was the message that management had been hoping would sink in.

Or maybe it was. I was, after all, a pretty unmotivated employee at that point.

Their intent didn’t matter as I was soon on a different path, one that ultimately led me here, thankfully. I like to think that I have found the diamonds that were always under my feet. Or in my heart and mind. However you want to look at it.

The other part of Nightingale’s message was that you had to set a course, aim for a destination. Everything was possible if you knew where you wanted to go and truly set your mind to it. He gave a laundry list of great human accomplishments that were achieved once we put our minds and wills in motion towards their fulfillment.

That resonated strongly with me then and now. I had seen many people over the years who seemed deeply unhappy in their lives and most had no direction going forward, no destination for which they were working. Aimless, they drifted like a rudderless boat on the sea, going wherever the strongest current took them without having any influence over this motion.

If you can name it, you can do it in some form. Having a desired destination allows the mind, often subconsciously, to create a course that leads to that place.

As I said, it’s funny how things influence you. It’s been well over thirty years since I heard those words, but they still resonate strongly with me, even now. I try to be always conscious of the goals I set, knowing that the mind and the universe will always try to make a way for the possibility of achievement.

Most every job I had in my earlier life gave me little satisfaction and meager wages. However, the lessons learned from each were worth far more than financial rewards. They taught me what I was and was not. In this case, I learned that what I wanted most was to work my own fields, to find what riches I might sow and reap in that soil.

And I now always keep an eye out for a flash of light, a glint under my feet, that might be my own diamond.

Lesson learned. All I could ask and more…

---

---

---

---

 

---

---

---

---

You got me workin’, boss man, workin’ ’round the clock
I wanna little drink of water, but you won’t let Jimmy stop
Big boss man, can’t you hear me when I call?
Well, you ain’t so big, you just tall, that’s all

— Jimmy Reed, Big Boss Man (1960)

---

---

---

---

Lately I’ve been looking at some early work here. Most of it has tentacles that reach forward into my current work, even if it is only barely visible. The small piece above from mid 1994 is very much a standalone piece. I can’t say that it had any influence on where or how I proceeded from it.

Actually, I can’t really say why this piece came about in the first place.

Maybe I was looking for a chuckle at the time because it makes me smile every time I pull it out. I kind of have doubts about that. I believe it was started with serious intent though I can’t remember if there was any real vision beforehand. I think it was one of those pieces where I make a mark, paint a block of color, and let it take over from that starting point.

Sometimes it takes you somewhere that speaks to the serious part of yourself. Sometimes, it doesn’t.

I think the latter applies here. It felt serious at first but the further I got into it, the more absurd it felt. Though much of the imagery feels dark in nature, it made me laugh when I finished it. The feeling that immediately hit me was the sense of chaos and confusion I felt on the first day at every job I ever had. I saw the infighting and bickering between the other employees in the scrum of arms in the background and the authoritarian figure in the front represented every middle manager I had come across who felt ridiculously inflated by the power of their position.

I called the painting Doug’s First Day on the Job.

Now, I have to cut some slack for those managers I encountered. I was a really good employee when given a loose leash and was allowed to freestyle a bit. They had to allow me to be boss of my own position. I don’t know if I can explain this in a way that makes sense, but I only prospered where I had some freehand in doing my job.

The looser the reins, the better the results for myself and the company. Well, at least I thought this was the case. I may be deluded a bit in my memories. However, I do remember that every job eventually ended for me when the bosses tried to exert their authority over me and rein me in.

They may have been right in some cases. It doesn’t really matter. I did eventually realize that I didn’t like to be bossed around or forced to do anything. I also recognized that finding contentment and fulfillment in my work would require that I was the boss, that I had control over most every decision.

My way or the highway is a fine saying when you work for yourself. I have found that middle managers or other bosses are not fond of being told that.

That is probably why what I do and why it best suits me. And why I solely work alone. Every time I think I might have been happier doing something else, I just have to take a look at this painting from back in the day when I was still somewhat in that world and my doubts are dispelled immediately.

As I said, this is a one-off, an anomaly in the body of my work. But I like it very much. I like its color, forms, and flow. And more than that, it makes me smile while serving as a reminder of one reason why I am doing what I do.

That’s a pretty sweet deal.

Here’s a song from Jimmy Reed, Big Boss Man, that fits here like the glove on the big boss man in the painting at the top. I found a Jimmy Reed album in a used record store when I was teenager and fell in love with so many of his songs. So many of them are imprinted in my memory. This song has been with me for close to fifty years. Maybe it was this song that shaped my views of bosses?

I don’t know. Give a listen and if you need directions on getting out of here, the boss at the top will point you in the right direction.

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

The variety of minds served the economy of nature in many ways. The Creator, who designed the human brain for activity, had insured the restlessness of all minds by enabling no single one to envisage all the qualities of the creation. Since no one by himself could aspire to a serene knowledge of the whole truth, all men had been drawn into an active, exploratory and cooperative attitude.

–Daniel J. Boorstin, The Lost World of Thomas Jefferson (1948)

---

---

---

---

I like this idea from historian Daniel Boorstin, best known for his trilogy, The Discoverers, The Creators, and The Seekers. He suggests that perhaps we all have a small piece of a larger puzzle. A puzzle that, by design, none of us can see in its entirety. And, also by design, we are given a curious and restless nature that provokes our attempts in seeing beyond our own specific pieces and that part of the puzzle we inhabit.

Can we ever see the puzzle in its entirety?

I suppose it might someday happen if we could learn to cooperate and collaborate honestly and equitably across the whole spectrum of those things that seem to separate us– geography, race, religion, sex, language, entrenched traditions and fears, greed, and so on.

Is that possible?

From the limited view I have from my own puzzle piece, it seems unlikely right. I have doubts. It would take a tremendous effort beyond anything we have ever attempted before to realign thought and belief in a way that could unite and harmonize the whole of this world.

Are we up to such a challenge?

I don’t know. Again, from where my puzzle piece sits it seems unlikely. But if our pieces are really meant to come together to create a sprawling tapestry capturing the beauty and magnificence that is ever-present in this world, then maybe it is possible.

Until then, perhaps the best we can do is to join with the puzzle pieces nearest ourselves. Being all part of the same puzzle, we all possess bits of the beauty and magnificence of it.

I am ending that bit here. Like most of my posts, this is written as it falls out of my head. Sometimes they begin at one point and sometimes veer from where I thought they might go.

This post was originally supposed to be about how each of my paintings represent my puzzle piece. It gives you only the view from where I imagine I sit. It gives you only a small view of my sky and landscape. It can never fully capture the breath and width and depth of the world beyond my limited view of it.

But that limitation should not keep me from trying to express the beauty and magnificence that is present in the narrow scope of my individual puzzle piece. Perhaps by doing so, my puzzle piece more easily interlocks with your piece or with the many others surrounding me.  And these enjoined pieces create a harmony that enhances the beauty and magnificence of each puzzle piece.

The moral of this this story? Sometimes we may feel like a puzzle piece that has fallen under the sofa, discarded and alone. At such times remember that you still possess the beauty and magnificence of the whole puzzle in you. Remember that as dark and scary as it might seem under that sofa, someone is looking for you because without you there is a hole in the puzzle.

And we can’t have that, can we?

I am not going to reread this right now so I can’t vouch for clarity, grammar, or continuity of thought. I have to get to work on my own puzzle piece. That’s what I do and the best that I can do from where I sit in this puzzle.

Here’s a song that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with to do with puzzles but it does call for a coming together. Kind of. It’s the classic Beatles song, Come Together, from singer Morgan James, who came to prominence with Postmodern Jukebox. I like the simplicity and spareness of this kitchen performance. Good stuff.

Now get out of here and go work on your own puzzle piece. You got a rough edge right there that needs to be smoothed off a bit. But don’t fret– you’re still beautiful. And magnificent.

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

Ireland, sir, for good or evil, is like no other place under heaven, and no man can touch its sod or breathe its air without becoming better or worse.

–-George Bernard Shaw, John Bull’s Other Island (1904)

---

---

---

---

I chuckled when I came across the lines above from a G.B. Shaw play that centered on his native land. My reading of this is that he sees it as a transformative place with a beauty that inspires a balloon filled with lofty dreaming and a harshness that bursts that balloon. As a result, those there sit at two ends of a spectrum, either as aspirational dreamers or angry cynics. Very little neutrality.

I don’t know that this is true, either then or now. Most likely it was seen as such by Shaw for its dramatic effect. I can’t really say. But Ireland, as both a real and mythic land, certainly does have a lasting and sometimes transformative effect on people. Few, if any, holidays have people proudly their claiming ancestral roots in any country like they do for St. Patrick’s Day.

I have written a number of times before here about my Irish ancestors. My great-great-grandfather worked on the railroads being built here in the Northeast in the second half of the 19th century and his family settled in the Binghamton, NY area. Most of his family worked in the tobacco industry, either as leaf strippers or cigar rollers.

Like any family, it was marked by periods of happiness, endless hard labor, and tragedy.

A typical American story.

Below is post from a few years ago that I am sharing on this St. Patrick’s Day, mainly because I like the painting and the song.

---

---

---

My thoughts on this holiday always go to my mom whose birthday fell on this date. She would have been 94 today. I grew up thinking we had Irish blood through my mom’s family since her mother’s family name was O’Dell, which sounded pretty Irish. Found out through genealogy that it was not Irish at all.

It was originally Wodell when they first arrived here in the 17th century. The name shifted over the early American generations to O’Dell.

Actually, they were English. Very English.

Turns out that the Irish part of my ancestry came through my dad’s side. Took many years to find much on it but with DNA testing and the greater access to records via the web, I found that these ancestors, the Tobin family, came out of Barnlough in County Tipperary in Ireland in 1852 as a whole family unit, coming through NY then heading to Rhode Island. Both parents died within months after landing here and their children, many of adult age, dispersed across the region with some heading west and settling in Chicago in the expansion that took place in the second half of the 19th century.

A typical American story.

For this St. Paddy’s Day, I thought I would share a piece of art above from a well-known Irish artist and illustrator of the 20th century, Norah McGuinness. I really liked– and felt a kinship with– her use of color and forms in this piece. She worked in a visual language that I can understand.

Also, let’s hear an Irish song. Well, it’s an Irish song written by an American that has become a very popular song in the Irish culture. It’s The Galway Girl from Steve Earle. The version below is from the Irish musician Mundy who had a hit with this song in Ireland in 2008 that topped the charts for several weeks. I think you can hear why it caught on so well.

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable
thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it
wishes, undirected.

–John Steinbeck, East of Eden, Chapter 13 (1952)

---

---

---

---

---

I walked up the top of my property yesterday morning. My forest is a mix of different trees consisting of hardwoods like oak, maple, hickory, ash, beech scattered among a variety of conifers such as spruce, white pine, and hemlock. I wound up in the area of the forest above. It’s a section that was once mainly hardwood, predominantly birch and ash. But in the past couple of decades this part of the forest has been particularly devastated by blight and invasive species such as the emerald ash borer beetle. The white birch is now almost completely gone from my woods as are the white ash that heavily populated this section and much of the rest of these woods.

Looking yesterday at this scene in the March snow was both sad and inspiring.  It looks bleak with the tall remnant stumps of ash and other downed trees. There are a few trees whose lower trunk are twisted from finding a way to survive in the once dense forest. These are the ones that caught my eye and drew me to this part of the forest.

But soon, in mere weeks, it will be once more alive with new growth.  And like those twisting trees, life adapts.

Life survives.

Its glory continues in an everchanging form.

The photo and this bit I’ve written don’t really totally blend with the Steinbeck passage above. But in a way they do. I’m going to leave it up to you to determine that. I have included the whole section below from which the Steinbeck quote was taken. It’s been several decades since I read East of Eden and I was probably too young then to appreciate the power of these paragraphs then. It is as powerful now as when it was written. It speaks to all dark times when there are those who seek to control the minds of men.

There are some parts that I might not fully agree with, such as there are no good collaborations. Though I am not a collaborative artist, I respect and admire many works that were the result of minds and talents coming together. Perhaps he meant that an idea is first formed in the mind of one individual before others are invited in to possibly improve or expand upon it.

If you have time, please read. There is a credo of defiant hope in it. Just what we all need.

One sidenote: From my little foray up into the woods, I can predict a heavily tick-laden spring and summer ahead. I picked two ticks off my body last night. Egads…

---

---

---

---

Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can
feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all of his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then—the glory—so that a cricket song sweetens his ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished. And I guess a man’s importance in the world can be measured by the quality and number of his glories. It is a lonely thing but it relates us to the world. It is the mother of all creativeness, and it sets each man separate from all other men.

I don’t know how it will be in the years to come. There are monstrous changes taking place in the world, forces shaping a future whose face we do not know. Some of these forces seem evil to us, perhaps not in themselves but because their tendency is to eliminate other things we hold good. It is true that two men can lift a bigger stone than one man. A group can build automobiles quicker and better than one man, and bread from a huge factory is cheaper and more uniform. When our food and clothing and housing all are born in the complication of mass production, mass method is bound to get into our thinking and to eliminate all other thinking. In our time mass or collective production has entered our economics, our politics, and even our religion, so that some nations have substituted the idea collective for the idea God. This in my time is the danger. There is great tension in the world, tension toward a breaking point, and men are unhappy and confused. At such a time it seems natural and good to me to ask myself these questions. What do I believe in? What must I fight for and what must I fight against?

Our species is the only creative species, and it has only one creative instrument, the individual mind and spirit of a man. Nothing was ever created by two men. There are no good collaborations, whether in music, in art, in poetry, in mathematics, in philosophy. Once the miracle of creation has taken place, the group can build and extend it, but the group never invents anything. The preciousness lies in the lonely mind of a man.

And now the forces marshaled around the concept of the group have declared a war of extermination on that preciousness, the mind of man. By disparagement, by starvation, by repressions, forced direction, and the stunning hammerblows of conditioning, the free, roving mind is being pursued, roped, blunted, drugged. It is a sad suicidal course our species seems to have taken.

And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost.

---

---

---

---

Flow helps to integrate the self because in that state of deep concentration consciousness is unusually well ordered. Thoughts, intentions, feelings, and all the senses are focused on the same goal. Experience is in harmony.

— Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience (1990)

---

---

---

---

---

This week, I finished the piece shown here, Flow, for my annual solo show at the Principle Gallery in June. The title comes from the stream flowing in the painting but also refers to the creative flow I am trying to find at the moment.

This is something I have written about a number of times over the years. It is sometimes easy to tap into but other times it is unsatisfyingly absent, as though I might have to resort to a divining rod to find some hidden spring that might turn into a flow.

I know it’s still there at the moment but it’s hard to completely immerse myself in it. Too many distractions, doctor appointments, and fatigue, both physical and mental. It often feels as though just when I am about to slide into the flow lately, something pulls me from it.

However much it frustrates me, I know from prior experience, having lost the flow a number of times over the years, that it’s there still. There’s reassurance in that knowledge. It often seems as though it has dried up forever but somehow, through perseverance and desire, it begins once more to flow easily. 

This new painting feels as though it has brought me closer to that flow. Much of the time as I painted, I felt immersed in it. It was great feeling and I think this painting reflects that. It has a strength and rhythm that I like in my work.

Now the trick is to carry that flow’s momentum forward. It’s coming, I am sure.

Here’s a post from 2013 that tries to explain it. I don’t know whether it does so in a satisfying way. But, as they say, it is what it is. Judge for yourself.

---

---

---

---

I wrote the other day about my search for that intangible thing in my work, that quality that will set me off on a new path.  I’ve been thinking about it and what I think I am really looking for comes down to one word:  Flow. There’s a famous book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, from psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (please don’t ask me how to pronounce his name)that describes flow as a sense of being in the zone or in the groove, of being so totally immersed in the task before you that the external world is blocked out. He describes it as being like playing jazz, where each action, thought and movement rises from the previous one.

He points out that this flow occurs when there is a balance between the level of the challenge and the skill of the person facing it. Basically, this person is working at the far end of their skill level, pushing themselves to their boundaries in order to conquer the task before them. There can be no thought other than that thing before them. Total concentration and dedication.  

I think of it in terms of a mountain climber facing a climb that seems at the far end of their limits, who must muster up all their knowledge and abilities then concentrate on each movement in order to scale the daunting peak before them.

I have known this feeling, this flow that he describes, in painting. I have often described this feeling of immersion, of a level of concentration where each action leads to the next and time seems to fade into nothingness. I don’t hear the music playing, don’t feel thirst or hunger, don’t think about other things that I need to do or things that might be worrying me.

When I have been in this state it seems so real and so concrete that it feels as though it is always right there and attainable. It is intoxicating.

But it is not sustainable forever without creating new challenges. One you have conquered one peak, you need a new one to face up to. Without this challenge, you are at a comfortable plateau, something I have attempted to describe in the recent past. Stay put, your skill exceeds the challenge and total immersion is not necessary. While there is a level of needed concentration to simply maintain this elevation, there is also room for outside thoughts and concerns.  

The once difficult task has become the normal course.  Comfortable.

And this is fine  and, as I have said before, most artists reach a comfortable level and settle in for the long term at this high level. But deep inside, at least for me at the moment, there is a gnawing feeling to find myself hanging tenuously on a new, scary ascent, pushing my abilities to new levels. Riding the flow of the thrill of this tunnel-like focus.

That’s where I find myself at the moment– at a plateau, looking up for a new peak to attack.

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

If we were humble, nothing would change us-neither praise nor discouragement. If someone were to criticize us, we would not feel discouraged. If someone would praise us, we also would not feel proud.

–-Mother Teresa, In My Own Words (1996)

---

---

---

---

---

Humble. Quite a word.

When we were young the idea of being humble seemed antithetical to all the impulses, desires, and dreams surging within us. The world then sometimes felt simple and easy to conquer. It was all laid out before us. Plans were effortlessly conceived that seemed as though they could not fail.

Time and youthful energy were on our side.

We felt that all we had to do was to proclaim our greatness to make it so.

Of course, all of this had not yet came met the real world, had not shook the hand of reality.

When that happened, soon every word that corrected or criticized became a dagger. After feeling the stab of failure a few times, we were primed so that even the smallest words of praise greatly inflated our ego, our pride, and had us once again breathing the air of self-importance. It made us once again feel invincible.

But time wore on us. Where we once saw a limitless horizon in the distance that we felt was within our reach, we now looked at it knowing that it might well be beyond the limitations of our time and talent. The aspiration to greatness was replaced with an aspiration for simple goodness and self-satisfaction.

Oh, the stabs and slights still came but the scars from the past wounds to our psyche now kept the pain at bay. Tolerable because we knew they would not slay us. And when words of praise came, they now made us feel a bit lighter in our soul but didn’t have the same effect on our ego as they once did. We now knew that praise was ephemeral, little more than a smoke ring to be enjoyed and appreciated for a brief instant before it dissolves into the atmosphere.

I think I am at that point in my life. I can still be hurt by the stab and can feel a small bit of pride from praise. My aspirations now are smaller. I need less to feel satisfied in who and what I am.

As I was telling a friend a few days ago, I feel oddly content as I am now, even as I struggle with illness while living in a world seemingly set to combust.

I feel humbled by life now. Not humiliated. Simply humble.

And maybe that is the lesson of this life?

I don’t know. I can’t speak for everybody. We all have different horizons, different depths and breadths of feeling and desire. My humbleness might seem like humiliation to you. Might seem small to the greatness that you desire’

For me, it is just where I am now. Humble and happy.

This, like a lot of my recent posts, was not on my radar when I started writing. It’s kind of like painting– you make a mark and go from there, hoping for the best, hoping that something coherent and real emerges. I can’t vouch for the coherency of this, but I believe it is real.

All I can ask.

Here’s another song from Ren. Sorry to force my obsession on you but this is most likely the driving force behind this post. This song has been in my head a lot lately. In the waiting room at the cancer center yesterday, this song and its lyrics kept running through my head. It made me feel pretty damn good. This is Humble from Ren and the British singer Eden Nash.

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone.

This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.

–Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway

---

---

---

---

Woke up a little dizzy this morning. Not something I remember having experienced before. A bit unsteady on my feet, sometimes stumbling slightly one way or the other, like I shouldn’t have had that third martini.

To be clear here, I didn’t have any martinis. Just saying.

Anyway, I wasn’t sure I would write anything this morning. I was also a little fuzzy as far my thinking goes. Not that this is much out of the ordinary but it was little more pronounced. But the need to do this blog at this time is, for me, something I can’t neglect. It keeps me afloat in some ways. So, I decided to look for something that wouldn’t require much thought– again, not that far out of the ordinary– that would satisfy this need to put something down.

I pulled up the snip at the top from Hunter S. Thompson from a book of his collected correspondence from the 50’s and 60’s, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967. I’ve had this passage locked and loaded for some time and figured this would be a good day to shoot my shot with it, even if I can’t add much to it.

The passage itself reflects something I began learning from an early age, that you have to learn to love and respect yourself. For one thing, you can’t really love or respect anyone else — or be loved and respected by anyone–without first having done so for yourself.

And secondly and most importantly, as Thompson points out, we ultimately spend most of our lives alone, from birth to death.

Trying to exist in the happiness of others is not your happiness. There’s a lot more to be said on this last sentence but it will have to wait for another morning, he says as his eyes go a little out of focus.

No, one must learn to be alone with oneself and that requires the love and respect of self.

After all, who wants to spend their entire life tethered tightly to a person who they can’t love?

Thompson makes an important distinction in this short passage, that being alone is not being lonely. That thought was like an epiphany for me when I first realized at an early age that I could find real comfort in being alone. That’s not to say that there wasn’t loneliness. As comfortable as we might be in our solitude, we all need other people sometimes.

Wow, this has rambled on for longer than intended and I haven’t even mentioned the art of Ralph Steadman at the top. I’ve been a big fan since coming across it back in the 70’s in the pages of some of Thompson’s books, especially Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

His image at the top, Viral Menace, is from 2020, in the early days of the pandemic. In an article in The Guardian at that time that featured this image, Steadman, who is now 89, stated that we are living in weird times and that Trump is ‘the worst person in our known history.’

Who am I to argue with that? Actually, it is a thought that has ran through my mind many times. If he’s not, he is in the top 2 or 3.

My opinion. I won’t argue with you on this.

In the article, he also spoke about coming across images of his old work in books, saying ‘I’m amazed how many things I’ve done that I don’t remember; I’m going through the book and wondering how on earth I did them.‘

I think that is something I have described here before. I sometimes come across an old piece and I can’t remember painting it or how it came about. I know at once I couldn’t recreate it now, at least in any way that captured what I was seeing in that older piece.

Different moment, different person, different energy, different emotions..

I would imagine that an older singer might have that same feeling on hearing a recording of an early performance. They might try to sing that same song now but it would be different in many ways.

Art is always of the moment. Great art carries that moment within always.

Holy crap, I am just going on and on when I thought I couldn’t write anything at all this morning. Of course, writing a lot doesn’t mean I am saying anything worth remembering. This one of those posts where I will look back it in a few years– hopefully– and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Or not thinking.

Oh well. Que sera, sera. That’s okay with me. Know why? Because I respect myself.

You know I couldn’t kick you out the door without playing this song. This is the always-of-the moment classic Respect Yourself from the Staple Singers. Doesn’t get much better than this.

Okay, you can leave now.

---

---

---

---