Redtree Times

“Exile on Main Street“- (2020)

I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don’t mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep” and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness.” Ask yourself, “Is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.

~Hugh Mackay, The Good Life (2013)

I came across the passage above from Australian psychologist Hugh Mackay recently and it pretty well summed up a thought that has been with me for some time. We downplay the value of those less-than-happy moments that are simply part of the human experience. We raise this idea of happiness high above us as an ultimate goal. As a result, we view our failures, losses, and disappointments as a source of shame, evidence of our weakness and intellectual deficiency. Something that marks us as being somehow inferior and incomplete.  Something to hide away and try to forget.

In my own way, I have long embraced Mackay’s concept that it is our wholeness as human beings that is more important than our happiness, which is a temporary emotion. I see wholeness as an understanding that life will give us both giddy highs and dismal lows and being accepting and appreciative of both.

In my life I have had plenty of these failures, losses, and disappointments. I’ve went through bankruptcy, foreclosure, repossession, firings, loss of loved ones, and illness– physical and mental.

Did they make me happy? Of course not. At the time each was a horrid experience. But each carried with it a lesson that could only be learned from that experience. Each lesson brought new perspectives and understandings. Each changed me in some way, some more than others.

These were lessons that taught, collectively, that in order to find any contentment in this world, one has to understand and accept that these down moments are, like happiness, temporary.  Knowing this, it becomes much easier to accept and tolerate– and even find humor– in the bad times.

These lessons were invaluable in becoming what I hope is a more whole human being.

Mackay’s concept of wholeness rather than happiness as a goal makes sense to me. Sure, I want to be happy. When I am happy, I now recognize and appreciate it for what it is. I accept it gladly but don’t expect it all the time. And when I am not happy, I recognize and appreciate it for what it is, as well.

And with those moments of non-happiness now, there is a sense of contentment and moderation that comes in knowing that it is just part of our being a more whole human being.

I had a goofy little anecdote that I was going to include here but it will have to wait until another day. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not.

Who knows?

Here’s a song that is kind of in this vein. It’s Happy from the Rolling Stones off their classic 1972 album Exile on Main Street. For this moment it makes me happy. And contented.