There are two ways of avoiding fear: one is by persuading ourselves that we are immune from disaster, and the other is by the practice of sheer courage. The latter is difficult, and to everybody becomes impossible at a certain point. The former has therefore always been more popular. Primitive magic has the purpose of securing safety, either by injuring enemies, or by protecting oneself by talismans, spells, or incantations.
–Bertrand Russell, Basic Writings, 1903-1959 (1961)
Strange day yesterday. A rest day between radiation treatments. I felt slept very well, very deeply. Even so, my body was tired, no doubt a result of the stress from the treatment which is to be expected. But though my body was very fatigued and my eyes felt heavy and deeply sunk into their sockets, my mind was abuzz with an almost giddy elation.
There was this strange disconnect between my physical and mental condition that lasted most of the day. I had a dental checkup in the morning and this giddiness didn’t fade a bit. I spoke incessantly with my hygienist, who had worked with me for over 20 years since she first came out of school, between her ultrasonically cleaning and poking and prodding around my teeth.
I am not used to such a feeling so it confounded me even as I enjoyed this elated bubble I was traveling in. Oh, I have felt very up before. It usually preceded a massive plunge that came in a manic-depressive pattern that I used to fall into. Real high. Real low.
You can see how this sudden burst of glee might make me worry about a sudden downturn.
But this feels different from those other times. There is nothing obvious taking place in my life that would merit such a giddy blaze. When you consider the illness and the shape of the world, it seems almost crazy to feel so good.
It’s most likely just a reaction taking place as a result from the potent combination of the hormonal changes that have been taking place from my ADT therapy, the inflammation from the radiation, and the stress of dealing with the whole thing. It is a kind of defense mechanism.
I read that this is sometimes called Tired but Wired.
That was certainly how it felt. Tired but wired.
I walked around the pond later, trying to move around a bit before the rain that was supposed to come arrived. I came across the single deer antler in the path around the top of pond, most likely shed by a buck sometime in the winter. I have found a number of them through the years around our property, and I always feel like I’ve found– no, been gifted– something precious.
It is sort of like the several times I’ve been able to witness a tall tree naturally falling in the forest, not being cut by man. There is something almost sacred in watching a tree that has stood and endured for 60, 80, 100 years suddenly succumb. It feels like a gift or an honor is being bestowed upon me in those rare moments.
In my giddy elation yesterday, it sure felt that way when I picked this antler up. As though it were a gift of a talisman of some sort, something that carried its own energy or mojo that cast a favorable pall over me.
Or maybe it was more of a message left for me. Perhaps one that was telling me that loss is a vital part of our cycle of life, that there are things that we must lose in order to grow and move forward. Perhaps the loss is that of our vanity. I don’t know the reality of this, but it seems to me that the loss of their antlers might be a humbling event for a buck whose identity and status is tied so tightly to them.
But as I said, I don’t really know. Just babbling now. Still giddy which surprises me. I thought that by this morning, with another round of radiation coming in a few hours, that it might have lost some of its steam. But, nope, still racing ahead. I’ll take this any day. Hey, it beats feeling like crap, right?
I know it is all probably a product of powerful hormones replacing other powerful hormones and my mind trying to put things into some kind of order that allows me to function. But for the moment, I am going to continue viewing this antler as a good sign, a powerful talisman.
A gift for me sent with purpose from the universe.
One that is small and insignificant but imbued with a natural beauty and grace. Like all things natural.
All I could ask.
Okay, got to get moving. Here’s a tune that has a little to do with talismans and superstition. This is a reworking of the Howlin’ Wolf song I Ain’t Superstitious from Jeff Beck. It features Rod Stewart on vocals and Ronnie Wood on bass.
Good vibe for the tired and wired of you out there.
Redtree Times 