Redtree Times

Only Now (2012) – Now at the Principle Gallery

It has been well said that our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.

–Charles Spurgeon, The Salt-Cellars (1889)

I took it easy on Sunday after getting home from my short excursion into Alexandria for Friday’s opening of my show, Flow, which now hangs at the Principle Gallery. I was bone-tired in much the same way I had been in the weeks leading up to the show and knew I needed some down time, some rest.

However, yesterday felt different. I had much more energy, enough that I pushed myself harder physically than I had in a long time. And, thankfully, it didn’t result in the heavy weight of fatigue that had pushing down on me. Oh, I was still dead tired and nodded off way too early later in the evening but during the day after several short hard walks and by far the longest workout routine I have done in several months, my body felt alive still.

It still feels that way this morning and I find myself excited and encouraged to get moving again. I began to wonder why there had been this drastic flip on the energy switch. Could it simply be the good feelings that came with the opening? Maybe. I am sure that was a contributing factor.

But the more I thought about it and after doing some cursory investigation, I believe it was my anxiety that was causing my fatigue to linger on in such a large way. It turns out that stress and anxiety can exacerbate the fatigue associated with the aftermath of radiation treatments.

That made sense since I have been anxiety-ridden and easily stressed out and emotionally triggered since I was a kid. I don’t like writing that since it is something that might be viewed as a weakness. And it has often been that. But it is also what I consider to be a strength in what I do. Much of what I do is in response to my inner anxieties. Without it, my work might be something altogether different.

The weeks leading up to this show were extraordinarily stressful for me. The idea that I couldn’t produce enough work due to my fatigue added an extra layer of anxiety to those other stress layers that come with every show: fear of failure, fear of letting the gallery and myself down, fear that I won’t have enough time to properly finish what needs to be done, fear that my work had somehow become irrelevant, anxiety from the break the show and its associated travel causes in my heavily entrenched daily routine which serves as my primary stress buffer, fear of inadvertently saying the wrong thing or something inappropriate or just plain stupid while at the opening, and every petty little worry about every single detail. I know that much of it is irrational, but its effect on me is real.

When I am in the best of health, this stress can be exhausting for me.  I had wondered why my fatigue had increased so dramatically in the weeks leading up to the show without factoring in how this would affect the fatigue caused by my treatment.

I think I have my answer.

Once those preshow stresses were removed, I had a much quieter mind. Everything seems to have been following the mind’s lead. Maybe I can now get to building myself up physically and get back to some serious painting in preparation for my October show at the West End Gallery along with a smaller role as Featured Artist in a West End Gallery curated exhibit, Big Gems, at the Gmeiner Art Center in Wellsboro, PA in July. I will write about the Gmeiner show in the coming days.

So, the plan is to get my body and mind in better shape to handle the coming stresses. The results of the show at the Principle Gallery might well bolster my self-confidence so that it helps reduce the self-inflicted stresses.

But for the moment, I am enjoying a less troubled mind as I ease back into my much-loved routine, with the hope that this will lead to a less stressed body.

Okay, I have to run. Things to do. Movement. Activity. It’s all good.

Here’s a tune from one of my favorites, the exquisite Rhiannon Giddens. It’s her rendition of an old Dolly Parton song, Don’t Let It Trouble Your Mind.

Seems about right, doesn’t it?

I won’t be offended if you leave now.