Redtree Times

Exiles: Cain 1995

From the moment that man believes neither in God nor in immortal life, he becomes ‘responsible for everything alive, for everything that, born of suffering, is condemned to suffer from life.’ It is he, and he alone, who must discover law and order. Then the time of exile begins, the endless search for justification, the aimless nostalgia, the most painful, the most heartbreaking question, that of the heart which asks itself: where can I feel at home?

― Albert Camus, The Rebel (1951)

There is so much I could say about this small painting from my Exiles series of 1995-96, which dealt with, as I have often mentioned here, the death of my mother from cancer at that time. It holds so much meaning for me on several levels, from the separation I fel based on t in NY as she was dying in Florida to the general feeling I often felt of being forever out of place in my life up to that point, a stranger in strange lands.

The title is on the surface based on the biblical story of the original exile, Cain, the firstborn son of Adam and Eve, who was expelled from his homeland after slaying his brother, Abel, forced to create a new world in which to exist, never to return. But more than that obvious reference, it was primarily based on the novel Demian by Hermann Hesse, a book I have mentioned here a number of times over the years.

It was book I stumbled on when I was going through a desperate time many years ago. It changed the arc of my life very much in that moment.

In Demian, Hesse uses the Mark of Cain as a symbol for those seeking the truth in themselves. In the biblical story, after Cain kills Abel, he is exiled by God to wander the world. God places a special mark on Cain to protect him, warning that anyone who harms him will face a severe sevenfold vengeance. While I was going through this trying time I very much felt like Cain the Exile and references to that name began to show up all the time. It felt like there was some sort of synchronicity taking place.

Hesse also discusses the dual nature of man in Demian, an idea which has had a very formative aspect in my growth as a painter. The idea of opposing forces, light and dark, being contained in one element, one being, always struck a chord in me. It also made sense in light of the struggles that I observed in myself and many others.

In the book Hesse also wrote a sentence that resonated like a gigantic bell tolling for me: Whoever wants to be born, must first destroy a world.

It was revelation, one that still echoes in my mind nearly every day. I think shows up in the gaunt face of the Cain in this painting. He has destroyed the world he left behind, never again able to return to it. I see it as a mixture of pain and strength born of resignation to his fate. The same sort I saw in my mom’s face at the time when she was facing her own exile from this world.

Pain of this life but without fear for what was to come.

For me, that time felt like, as Camus wrote above: the time of exile begins, the endless search for justification, the aimless nostalgia, the most painful, the most heartbreaking question, that of the heart which asks itself: where can I feel at home?

This is hard to write without delving even deeper so that it makes sense for you. Not sure I am willing to do that. In fact, don’t know why I even began writing this today. I just saw that painting this morning and felt like it had to be mentioned and seen, if only for myself.

Thankfully, I seldom ask where I can feel at home anymore. Though the search for justification never ceases and there is that same aimless nostalgia at times, I feel somewhat at home in this world these days.

What more is there?

I am sharing a cover of a favorite song, Hold On, from the Alabama Shakes performed by my current obsession, Ren, with the Big Push during a busking session on the streets of Brighton, England just last year.  The message seems relevant.

Now, make like an exile and git…