I’ve been in a pretty deep funk lately. I wasn’t going to write about this at all though I am sure it seeps into the writing that I do post. But in the name of transparency I thought I would share a few words on the subject.
I have often experienced down periods (or funks as I call them) throughout my life. In the recent past they are less frequent and last for a relatively short period of time, mainly due to having built up some knowledge in how to pull out of them. There is a general disinterest in most things and a dulling of emotions as well as a loss of confidence where I find myself questioning everything I think I know. I feel tired and listless and anxious to the point that I can’t focus fully on much of anything or get anything done. For example, writing this blog has been a tremendous chore over the past several weeks.
As I say, I can usually work my way out these within days or a week or so. That has been the gift that my painting has presented me over the past two decades. But this recent bout has been a doozy with a complete collapse of confidence in everything that I do or have done. I felt dead inside and paralyzed in every way, fearful to move in any direction.
This extended to my work, that one thing with which would normally buoy my emotions, to the point that I couldn’t even pick up a brush. The mere thought of it formed a giant knot in my gut, as if actually painting would provide proof of the doubts and fears that were eating at me. I kept putting off working on a couple of commissioned pieces or starting any other new work and worked only in fits on another project that was several months late already.
But slowly I find myself creeping out of the pit. Small goals and small steps forward. Yesterday I finally picked up a brush and worked on a couple of very small pieces, such as the one shown at the top. And much to my surprise, I felt that spark once again, a positive emotion generated. It just felt good again.
So, I see a light at the end of my tunnel. And believe me when I say I am running toward this light.
As I said, I wasn’t going to write about this here. In fact, I still am thinking about deleting the whole thing even now. But I won’t. I’ve tried to maintain transparency in how my life translates into my work and this is certainly part of my life. It might be that bit of darkness that underscores the lightness in my work.
I don’t know but at least I feel like thinking about it once again. And that is a good thing…
So, for this week’s Sunday morning musical break. let’s listen to one of my all time favorites, Sam Cooke, who I believe could sing any song and make it sound incredible. I took a shortened title from this song for the piece at the top, calling it Nobody Knows. Of, course, the song is Cooke’s upbeat version of the old spiritual Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen, which might seem a bit on the nose for today’s entry. But it feels positive and so do I. So, give a listen and have a great day.