“Graveyard Shift” Coma Hut Edition
Lately, I feel like I am just stuck at a single intersection on the grid of the space time continuum. I am not moving forward or backward, up or down, through time or space. Just sitting there, waiting for something to come along that releases me. What that something is, I have no idea except that in some of my imagined versions of it I see it as being horrific while in others, a relieved unburdening.
It’s an awful sense of just waiting, the kind of feeling a little kid has while eagerly anticipating Christmas morning. Or the dread they have while waiting to be punished. Just sitting with anxious butterflies in the stomach, not knowing whether its Christmas morning or the Principal’s Office.
Been thinking that I should be using this time to work on a plan for a new business. Maybe we could set up a franchise where we put people into induced comas for set periods of time?
People could head down to the local Coma Hut (trademark pending) where we would put them into some sort of chemical suspended animation and store them in sanitary ( and virus free!) stainless steels pods for whatever time frame they desire. At the end, we open the pod and revive them, refreshed and relieved of having to actually live through the time period that has passed.
Right now, I would use it. Set the clock for the end of January in 2021, say the 21st, wake me up and tell me what has happened. Then depending on the outcome, I will either happily go out into that brave new world or sign up for another, and much longer, session in my coma pod.
I think it would be a huge success. One on every corner like Starbucks. We’d have a hard time keeping up with the demand and keeping those stainless steel pods in stock.
This would be our theme song for our video ads. It’s a version of the old Ramones classic from Tim Timebomb AKA Tim Armstrong along with Lindi Ortega. I played it here last year but it feels like its time is now, with me, stuck here on the space time continuum.
Here’s I Wanna Be Sedated. Have a good day and book your Pod Time™ down at your local Coma Hut™ now to beat the rush. Spaces are going fast!
********************
Redtree Times 
Excellent music selection!!
Please reserve me a pod.
I dread the oncoming rush of stupid this fall.
Do you require a deposit?
-Mr. Tony
No deposit necessary, Tony. Is that a single or do you want the Family Plan?
Can the rush of stupidity even increase at this point? It sure feels like we are at maximum capacity…
I can only see one problem with this scenario err business. If we all went into the pods, who would vote the SOB out of office. I suppose we could all wait for absentee ballots and send them in first… but what would stop the Senate and the Supreme Court from deciding that hibernation pods don’t constitute suicide and invalidate our votes.
Anyway, it was a fun idea.
We have a team of lawyers working on this right now, Gary. We believe we will be able to offer a special package that includes an absentee vote option that will be perfectly legal so long as we can maintain a certain level of brain activity during the coma, something our crack team of pseudoscientists is developing even as I write this. Keep an eye out for our coupons! A bargain is still a bargain, even when you’re in a coma.