Redtree Times

“Rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Thou must bleed for me.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Gifts: An Essay

I came across this essay, Gifts, from Ralph Waldo Emerson which is actually a practical guide to gift giving and receiving, well suited to the time in which it was written in 1844. It struck a chord with me because, while I have never looked upon a gift as an apology for not giving more of myself, there seemed to be some logic involved in his words.

It is so much easier, so much less revealing to not truly give from ourselves and to simply go to the shops (or online these days) to acquire what often amounts to a poor symbol of what we might really feel for the person receiving that gift.

We’ve become accustomed to accepting these apologies because it excuses our own apologies to others. It’s to the point that we don’t know how give of ourselves nor do we know how to accept or acknowledge a gift that is really a true portion of the giver.

How do you do that? How do you bleed for someone else? Is it in the words of Emerson, as he continued after the quote above: Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, corn; the miner, a gem; the sailor, coral and shells; the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing. This is right and pleasing, for it restores society in so far to its primary basis, when a man’s biography is conveyed in his gift…?

I don’t know.

I used to think that giving my paintings were like giving a piece of myself. It certainly fits in with Emerson’s words as he used just that as an example. It certainly seems like it is a piece of the person creating it.

But is it any more than a different sort of apology? Maybe an apology for not giving of my time and self to people directly? An apology for keeping my distance?

Sometimes I think that’s true. But there have been times when I have been given something made by another and I certainly don’t look at it as an apology in any way. I am just touched that they took the time and made the effort to even think of me in any way.

For example, I received a Christmas card from a friend whose two daughters drew red trees inside the card. That is as precious as any gift I could have received.

So where does that leave us?

I don’t know.

I am just thinking out loud this morning. Tomorrow I might look at this and ask myself what the hell I was thinking. You can never tell.

Bottom line: You can’t go wrong by truly giving of yourself. Bleed for someone, okay?

This post first ran a couple of years ago. Like most things written quickly in the dark of the morning, there is usually some afterthought or outside comments that make me reconsider some parts of what I have put down in print. Sometimes it warrants an addition or corollary to the original post.

I have been given a couple of bought gifts early in my life from my parents that have as much meaning as any poem or painting given from their hearts. These gifts took considerable thought and consideration on their part that still touches me deeply.

And I have given gifts that were bought that were filed with as much thought and consideration as I had at that time. My friend in Texas, Linda (shoreacres), relayed a story when this post originally ran about a small wooden box that now sits on her dresser. It was one that she had purchased for her mother the first time she was allowed to go shopping on her own for the holidays. The whole experience of that day and buying that box is a memory filled with, as she put it, mindfulness and love.

That reminded me of my own similar memory, one that concerns a wooden bowl in my possession. It’s nothing grand or expensive, just a simple green painted wooden bowl with a handle and painted flowers on the inside of its bowl that was a Christmas gift to my mom when I was about 12 years old or somewhere in that range.

I remember agonizing over that bowl, wanting to give her something that was really beautiful that showed her how much she meant to me while still staying within the budget of a 12 year old with nothing more than a tiny allowance. I remember the saleslady at the card shop smiling at my choice and me digging out a couple of dollar bills and some change then asking if I wanted her to put it in a gift box. I didn’t know that was even a thing at that point and was thrilled at the prospect. It made me feel that it was even more special.

She used the bowl for many years, usually holding bunches of fake grapes. It was one of the few things from my mother after she died and it still brings back that complete memory of buying it every time I see it.

So, maybe a gift doesn’t have to be made by your own hands so long as it is chosen and given with mindfulness and love…

Fleurs du Soleil– Now at the West End Gallery

Anthropocentric as [the gardener] may be, he recognizes that he is dependent for his health and survival on many other forms of life, so he is careful to take their interests into account in whatever he does. He is in fact a wilderness advocate of a certain kind. It is when he respects and nurtures the wilderness of his soil and his plants that his garden seems to flourish most. Wildness, he has found, resides not only out there, but right here: in his soil, in his plants, even in himself…
But wildness is more a quality than a place, and though humans can’t manufacture it, they can nourish and husband it…
The gardener cultivates wildness, but he does so carefully and respectfully, in full recognition of its mystery.

― Michael Pollan, Second Nature: A Gardener’s Education

We live a world, one that is often virtual rather than real, that is increasingly far removed from wildness and blinded to its revelations and mysteries. We don’t notice the wildness hidden in the grasses and trees around us. We pay little attention to the movement of the stars in the night sky or the sounds of a trickling stream or the creaking of the trees in the wind.

And that is a great loss for us. I don’t think we can know ourselves until we clearly see the wildness of the natural world around us.

We may not fully understand it and maybe that’s the point. Maybe being aware of that bit of mystery keeps our sense of wonder alive.

And isn’t it a sense of wonder that makes life worth living?

Seeking Imperfection– 2001

Up too early this morning. In the studio at about 5 AM. Music playing and a song from Robert Plant and Alison Krauss comes on. I’ve played a track from their new album a while back, a remake of an old song whose title, Last Kind Words Blues, I borrowed for a new painting.

This song is another remake called Trouble With My Lover. It was written by the great Allen Toussaint and first recorded in the late 60’s by Betty Harris.

I really like this remake and thought it might pair well with the painting above, a piece from 2001 called Seeking Imperfection, which was also the title of my 2001 Principle Gallery show. 20 years ago! Jeez…

That show and title remain a favorite of mine probably because it best describes my own relationship with perfection. Actually, about finding truth in imperfection.

I have written about this recently and also this, in a post back in 2012:

I’ve always been somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of perfection or the search for it. Perfection is  an endpoint, a finality, and the antithesis of our humanity, at least in how I view it. To seek only it is to deny our imperfect natures. We are flawed and scarred characters in a world that is definitely not perfect except in those rare moments when all of these flaws coalesce into instances of harmony and beauty.

The perfection in imperfection.

That’s kind of what I hope for and sometimes see in my paintings– harmony and beauty despite the inherent imperfections. I can find flaws in any of my paintings but I don’t cringe at the sight of them. Instead, they make me glad because in seeing them I recognize my connection to them, can see the struggle in trying to create these moments of harmony. A pit here, a dot of stray paint  or a rough edge there, a bristle from a brush trapped in the paint– it all speaks to me, saying that it can be whole and harmonious-  beautiful despite the flaws. Perhaps not a bad way to view one’s life.

How this relates to the song is a little fuzzy. Perhaps it is the realization that there is no such thing as perfection in any relationship, that we all live with the flaws and imperfections of our mates. We sometimes even learn to embrace these flaws over time.

I don’t really know. Maybe I’m just spitballing here and wasting too much precious time, both yours and mine. I have things to do, imperfections to find, places to go and people to meet.

Same with you, I’m sure so let’s just listen to the song and enjoy it for what it is.

By the way, the musician I featured yesterday, JD McPherson, is serving as guitarist backing Plant and Krauss for this tour. That’s him in the leather jacket and the yellow Telecaster.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

–Winston Churchill

Moving into the season of giving. And receiving. I might be wrong, but it feels like when you’re an adult you focus on the giving part. That’s been my experience, at least.

But for a kid it’s the receiving part of the equation that stands out. Undoubtedly, many of us have memories of tearing into neatly wrapped packages on Christmas morning. Our minds were reeling with giddy expectation that our greatest desires were contained within it. It could be the perfect toy that would make us whole, that would make our drab kid lives worthwhile and exciting like those smiling, happy brats we envied on the TV ads as they played with the toy.

But shredding the wrapping reveals only a pair of socks. Dress socks.

Plain yellow dress socks. A sickly pale yellow, the color of jaundice, and for a kid, just as desirable.

I had that experience many times as kid and remember feeling disappointed at the time. But I also remember  telling myself that the grandmother or aunt that gave me these things were not well-to-do and were buying gifts for many other kids in the family.

Sure, a new bike would have been great but even with those sick yellow socks, I sometimes felt like I was lucky to be included at all.

And ultimately, these socks were worn. Inside of my snow boots where they were out of sight.

I know I didn’t show the appreciation then that I have now for those gifts. I wish I could go back to tell my grandma or aunt how much I appreciated the thought, that they were great socks and I couldn’t wait to put them on.

Maybe they knew that someday I might feel a little more gratitude and that was enough for them then.

I don’t know. Hope so.

That brings us to this week’s Sunday Morning Music which is, of course, named Socks. It’s from JD McPherson’s Christmas themed album of the same title from a few years back. I enjoyed many of the songs from that album and played this song back then. Thought I might regift it to you this morning.

If you don’t like it, you can do the same…

Part of me wants to start celebrating Festivus early this year and begin the Airing of Grievances that traditionally (well, as traditional as you can get from a Seinfeld-based celebration) kicks off the holiday.

There is so much about which I could scream my lungs dry.

I mean, come on. I saw a stat yesterday that approximately 350,000 Americans have died of covid-19 since the vaccine became freely available. Well over 90% –most likely closer to 98%– of those deaths, probably 325,000 or more, were among the unvaccinated, most who were intentionally misinformed of the dangers and evils of the vaccine by media types who themselves were vaccinated. 

325,000 dead. To put that in perspective, the cities of St. Louis, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, and Orlando all have populations of less than that. And all happening when there is a way to avoid it.

Senseless. It’s like someone starving to death even as food is readily available and free because they are being told, by someone with a full belly from eating the very same food, that the food is somehow tainted and will kill them. So, they refuse to eat the food and starve. 

And they have the nerve to call those who are vaccinated sheep. Well, better a living sheep than a lemming plunging over the cliff.

There’s so many more grievances. You have the failed and current coups to overthrow our once great democracy, the climate change denial still taking place even as tornadoes devastate the midwest — the footage from last night’s storms are horrifying–and other climate change related disasters occur with increasing frequency, the gun fetishists in this country who place the protection of their guns over the safety of their children, or the manner in which white supremacy has risen to the surface and taken control of a major political party.

I could go on. Trust me on that. But I will spare you and myself that agony. I just checked my blood pressure and it read 345/285. The cuff burst into flames. I think that might be bad.

Guess it’s time to move on to another subject, though I wish it were a rosier one.

Michael Nesmith died yesterday at the age of 78. He was my favorite Monkee, always appearing lethargically calm and cool with his trademark stocking cap and Gretsch guitar. He wrote a number of songs for the Monkees and others, including Different Drum that was a big hit for Linda Ronstadt. He also produced a lot of videos and films including the cult classic Repo Man. Just a talented guy, His death is a loss for this crazy world.

Thanks for listening to my airing of grievances. Maybe this will help ease your own tension. Here’s Different Drum as performed by the late Michael Nesmith.

Absorbing Light— At the West End Gallery

I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

–Edward Everett Hale, Lend a Hand

Small things count.

That’s it. That’s the message for today.

Though there seems to be a lot of folks out there right now who believe only their voice and their opinions and actions are valid, most of us sit at the other end of the spectrum. We often believe that we are small and insignificant, that our thoughts and actions are of little consequence.

That like Hale pointed out, we are only one and cannot do everything.

But one is still one. One is something. One possesses the potential for growth. It can become two, then three and on and on.

Everything starts at one.

Every great idea, every great movement and accomplishment of humanity, began with the thought of one person. And sometimes that one thought was belittled and dismissed. It often took time and persistence before that one became two.

And even if that one doesn’t aspire to greatness, it still has the potential for great meaning and purpose. It might be a small thought or action that could have great consequence for the next person.

The next one.

It might be a small act of kindness or generosity that inspires them to do the same for others going forward.

Do what you can and don’t focus on what you cannot do. And never give up or give in. Persist.

Because small things count.

Sorry to preach. But that’s my sermon for today, though most of it comes from the thought of another one.

New Englander Edward Everett Hale was born in 1822 and died in 1909. He was a clergyman and a writer, best known for his book, The Man Without a Country. The short verse at the top was written near the end of his life and was based on an earlier statement of his:

I am only one, but I am one. I can’t do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will.

They both basically say the same thing but the statement is a bit more defiant, that moral rightness sometimes requires us to take a stand even though might do so as one, alone.

I think I like the statement a bit more…

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.

-John Quincy Adams

I run the post below, a favorite of mine, every few years. While I rerun it because, like this morning, I am short on time, I do it mainly for myself. It’s a short essay that always gives me a boost and reminds me that I still have the ability to adapt to and overcome adversity. Knowing this takes away a lot of fear and anxiety. Hopefully, it can do the same for others.

I don’t what made this pop into my head but I was thinking about a conversation from a few years back that I had with a friend who is also a painter. He has been a working artist for almost his entire adult life, fairly successful for much of that time. We both agree that we are extremely fortunate to have found our careers, one that feels like a destination rather than a passageway to some other calling.

For me, I knew this was the career for me when I realized I no longer looked at the job listings in the classified section of the paper. For most of my life, I felt there was something else out there that would satisfy me but I didn’t know what it was or how to find it. Maybe it was as simple as finding the right job.

Or so I thought.

When you don’t know where you’re going, any direction feels like it might be the right direction.

But during this particular conversation this friend asked, “What would you do if you suddenly couldn’t paint? What if you were suddenly blind?”

For him, it was unthinkable. His entire working life had consisted of the totally visual, based on expressing every emotion in paint.

I thought about it for a second and said simply, “I’d do something else. I’d find a way.”

In that split-second I realized that while I loved painting and relished the idea that I could communicate completely in paint, painting was a mere device for self-expression.

But it was not the only way to go.

I knew then, as I know now, that the deprivation of something that has come to mean so much to me would, in itself, create a new need for expression. And I also knew that knowing of this new need, I had the ability to figure out how it could be satisfied.

I have always marveled at the people who, when paralyzed or have lost use of their arms, paint with their toes or their mouth. Their drive to communicate overcame their obstacles. Mine would as well.

If blinded, I could or do something with words, using them to create color and texture. Perhaps not at the same level as my painting, but it might grow into something different given the circumstance. The need to communicate whatever I needed to communicate would create a pathway.

It was an epiphany in that moment. Just knowing that I had found painting gave me the belief that I could and would find a new form of expression if needed.

I did it once and I could do it again. And I found that greatly comforting.

Yes, I’d find a way…

Usually, a painting will leave the studio and go into a gallery and that’s the end of the story. They most often feel complete and alive, leaving after being titled, documented and framed.

Sometimes a painting about which I have strong feelings goes out and make the gallery rounds, never finding a fitting home. It comes back to me. I will examine trying to determine if there is something off. If not, if it has that feeling of completeness I want and I am otherwise satisfied, I don’t worry about it at all and am perfectly content with it as it is.

But sometimes a piece goes out the door and I soon begin to feel a little uneasy about it. Something feels off in the whole package. It’s usually not in the painting itself but occasionally there are things I see after the fact that really require an adjustment. In that case I recover the piece and go back in.

Doesn’t happen often but it happens.

But most often the things that make me feel uneasy are things outside of the painting itself. A framing decision, for instance. This was true a little more often early in my career, when I had yet to opt for what would end up being my standard hand-stained frame  with its orangey yellow color.

But sometimes it’s just the title. After a painting has left I find that its given name might not match what I am actually feeling in the piece or that it might send the viewer in a different direction altogether.

I am pleased to say this seldom happens but once every few years there will be a piece where I feel like the title itself might be holding it back. I have changed the titles of several pieces because of this and in nearly every case that painting found a new home soon after. Makes me think I might be on to something.

I think the painting shown above might be a case of the wrong title for a good piece. It left the studio as Dark Eye of Quiet. I like that title and could easily see it working for another painting. But something about it makes me uneasy now, something that doesn’t jibe with what I feel in the painting.

The quiet part is fine. But the dark eye denotes something perhaps sinister, which doesn’t line up with the painting for me. I see quietude in it but also see that red-vermillion sun as a symbol of an unusual moment. But not necessarily sinister. The tone of its title needs to be lightened a bit.

Maybe it would work if I just called it The The Quiet Eye? Same idea just without a dark undertone.

Or maybe go with an old song title like It’s a Most Unusual Day ? It does feel like an unusual day.

Or maybe I should just call it Untitled #A7 or something of that sort?

Nah. Couldn’t do that.

I really don’t know. But I do feel that it is misnamed, that it deserves something that doesn’t detract from one’s perception of it.

Feel free to help me out if you have any ideas.

In the meantime, here’s the song It’s a Most Unusual Day.  It’s a cool jazz version from singer Beverly Kenney, who died tragically in 1960 at the tender age of 28. What a great shame. I think this is a wonderful performance of this song and wish she had stuck around longer.

Viva Nox (The Vivid Night)— At the West End Gallery

Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. It’s all about taking in as much of what’s out there as you can, and not letting the excuses and the dreariness of some of the obligations you’ll soon be incurring narrow your lives. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.

–Susan Sontag, 2003 Commencement Speech at Vassar

Attention is vitality…

That sure rings true in my limited experience.

I had wrote a whole spiel earlier, spending way too much time on something I finally determined said substantially less than these three simple words.

So, let’s leave it here for today. You determine what those words mean for you.

But I do ask that you do as Sontag advises and take in as much as you can from what’s out there and stay eager and engaged.

We need more people with that sort of vitality…

From Alpha to Omega— At the West End Gallery

I imagined a labyrinth of labyrinths, a maze of mazes, a twisting, turning, ever-widening labyrinth that contained both past and future and somehow implied the stars. Absorbed in those illusory imaginings, I forgot that I was a pursued man; I felt myself, for an indefinite while, the abstract perceiver of the world. The vague, living countryside, the moon, the remains of the day did their work in me; so did the gently downward road, which forestalled all possibility of weariness. The evening was near, yet infinite.

― Jorge Luis Borges, Ficciones

I was dropping off some new work a week or so ago at the West End Gallery. I came across the piece shown above, From Alpha to Omega, while going through some my existing work that was in their inventory. Painted on paper, it’s a fairly subtle piece in composition and color, with muted, watery tones. Perhaps not the most dramatic or boldest piece in my body of work.

But there’s something about this piece that always captures my attention, that makes me stop and ponder it for a few moments when ever I come across it, as I did that day. It undoubtedly has some sort of personal meaning for me that triggers that response.

The title refers to the Alpha and the Omega, the first and last letters of the Greek alphabet which together also commonly denotes the beginning and ending of anyone or anything. I saw the person coming upon the Red Tree as seeing something– it’s life and existence, for example– come full circle.

Which was the Alpha and which was the Omega remains a mystery.

But I also saw the figure as coming to the end, the center, of a labyrinth to find the Red Tree. Again, the labyrinth might symbolize one’s life and existence, one which a person enters at birth and comes to the center at death.

But perhaps in this case death isn’t the center of the labyrinth, the end that is inferred. Perhaps the Omega is the finding of some truth, some sort of self-awareness or realization. In this scenario, this would symbolize an evolution from one state of being to another, with the figure representing the first state– the Alpha– and the Red Tree signifying the final and furthest state of growth that resides at the center of the labyrinth.

The Omega.

I say this feels personal but I can’t say that I am anywhere near the center of my own labyrinth. I don’t believe that we have the ability or self-awareness that allows us to recognize our own potential for being. I can say that most days I feel like I am far from the center of whatever labyrinth I am wandering around in and that if I could just get a glimpse, a tiny momentary peek, at the Omega, I would be satisfied.

Funny what meaning a small, simple painting can hold for a person. I guess making us consider these things, to make these connections so that we can see a direction or pattern in our actions, is the purpose of art.

Sounds about right early on this Monday morning…